I DO

Knockin' on the Heaven's Door

2011-10-13T22:04:00.003+05:30

The perceptible changes are a sign!

As I wake up in the mornings, I can feel just a tad of sourness in my throat, which disappears as the day progresses, but descends upon me the next morning invariably.

I have started heating my drinking water, just a tad!

As I drag myself out of bed in the mornings, I feel just a tad lazier than usual, craving to sleep just five more minutes and snooze my alarm, over n over again.

The bathing water feels just a tad too cold these days, so that switching on geyser suddenly seems like a prudent thing to do.

The sun that used to feel scorching until- why, just yesterday?- has suddenly mellowed just a tad, so that walking to work in the mornings feels like snuggling up next to a warm fireplace or embracing a good, old friend.

Sitting in the full-blast air-conditioned office , which was essential and something to be grateful for- wasn’t it just, I swear, yesterday?- seems just a tad difficult and you keep on waiting for others around to reciprocate your mutual need to switch it off, every once in a while.

Coming out from office at the exact same time as- urmmm…yesterday?- I curiously wonder just a tad, why is it not the sunlight but the street lamps' lightening up the city?

The leaves rustle slyly with an impish grin on their tips as the winds they produce feel just a tad chilly as they brush past my humble summer cottons, bringing an aching sigh on my slightly quivering lips.

The twilight fades away soon and the night seems just a tad inkier, while my arms hug my torso telling me if I should consider bringing a jacket from tomorrow.

As I sit and stare at the beautiful moon in the sky, I can feel the winds around me whooshing and whistling in my ears. Just as I open my mouth to whisper back, I see just a tad of moisture escape my mouth and vaporize before my eyes.

Smiling gently to myself, I seal my lips and rub my hands which are suddenly just a tad cold, getting down from my perch which is on the railing of my 5thFloor terrace.

As I discard my cotton sheets and pull out my feather wool quilt, I feel just a tad cozy as we snuggle up and doze off! (By we, I mean me and the love of my life- the city, Delhi!)

The lovely and therapeutic Delhi winters are upon us!

And they are so refreshingly melancholy that even a non-believer in fairytales and love and happy endings like me, yearns…that the winters stay forever!

Its time…to celebrate…Being Cold!!

[untitled]

2011-09-09T23:45:00.004+05:30

a thousand years

a thousand fears

a thousand tears

we shed

for each other,

like moth

to flame,

a deadly game,

lost children

looking

for their mother,

and when hearts sing,

the music brings

magic

like no other,

the winter cold,

no hands to hold,

the summer

brief

and sunny,

and in the mornings,

pressed

close to you,

cherished moments,

tender, loving,

funny,

we danced,

we laughed,

we flew,

we grew,

we dared,

we cared

more than any soul

could know

or reason,

the light so bright,

the fit so right

for a hundred

precious

seasons,

the moth,

the flame,

the dance,

the same,

then broken wings

and treasured

things

in pieces

all around us,

the dream

the only one

i long for,

here or there,

our souls

laid bare,

a million years

from now,

my heart

will

ever

hold you.

- Danielle Steel (Lone Eagle)

Auld Long Syne

2011-09-07T15:09:00.004+05:30

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished
and fully past and gone;
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
on Old long syne..

On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
on Old long syne.

My heart is ravisht with delight
when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow take the flight
and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face
so fills this, Heart of Mine;
That Force nor Fate can displease
for Old long syne.

On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
on Old long syne.

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief
when from thee I am gone;
will not thy presence yield relief
to this sad Heart of mine;
Why doth thy presence my defeat
with excellence divine;
Especially when I reflect
on Old long syne.

On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
on Old long syne...

Auld Lang Syne- roughly translated as "old long since" or "for the sake of old times" is an old Scots poem written by Robert Burns in 1778, set to the tune of a traditional folk song.
Traditionally sung to celebrate the start of New Year, it is also sung at funerals, graduations, farewells or as an ending to occasions.

It is a delightfully melancholy melody with heartpiercingly beautiful lyrics.
Somehow, it always makes me think of Christmas chill and lonely walks...
And ofcourse, of you!

Insight

2011-08-14T00:03:00.006+05:30

Life is unfair. Utterly, absurdly, rigidly and consistently unfair.

Accept it.

I have!

No, I do not feel angry or helpless.

I have just understood the difference between living and existing.

And surprisingly, I am not surprised!!

[untitled]

2011-02-15T23:56:00.003+05:30

I had a passing thought today..

Most of us...(attention: most, not all), in our early lives as "nobody" struggle and suffer so much, that when we do become "somebody" in our later lives, we make sure that the other nobodys pay for our own nobody-days...or atleast go through some portion of the struggle, that we did...or just suffer, in some way!

Is this just a form of sadism in contemporary times or is there more to it??

In Loving Memory...

2010-11-28T01:14:00.006+05:30

"Sometimes I think that the things I remember are more vivid than the things I see."

- Arthur Golden : Memoirs of a Geisha (1997).

"The only purpose of innocence is that it has to be lost.

The most defining characteristic of love is that it must be longed for."

- Siddharth Dhanvant Sanghvi : The Last Song of Dusk (2004).

"This is the nature of sorrow: often it fades with time, but once in a while, it remains lodged below the surface of things (a stubborn thorn beneath a fingernail), making itself felt everytime you brush against it."

- Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni : The Palace of Illusions (2008)

Prices we pay..

2010-10-31T00:35:00.002+05:30

Life always and abso-fuckin-lutely always makes sure we pay a price (albeit a huge one) for atleast the following two things, amongst myriad others:

a) For the dreams we see and live to fulfill;

b) For living life on our own terms.

Is it fair??

Especially, the latter?

REVIVAL

2010-10-14T18:15:00.001+05:30

One of the most wonderful things about being taught by a good teacher is that they don't just teach you...they change you!!
They inspire you- to be like them; and enlighten you- to know who you want to be like, or unlike!

The experience can be profoundly ecstatic and almost surreal, in hindsight!
I recall being awakened at so many levels and being touched at so many more, that I wonder how I'd grown to be so complaisant, even indifferent and consequently, lackadaisical!

It's akin to Revival...

Like a train back on track, after being derailed..so that passengers can reach their destination!
Like a ball hit out of stadium , being brought back...to solve it's purpose of advancing the game!
Like a pen that has been refilled with ink...so that history can be written!

One of the most wonderful things about being taught by a good teacher is that you actually cry once their classes are over; not only because you've reached a state of half satiation and desperately want more, but also because of the nostalgic memory of those great and kind words which you will rarely hear again, except in the etchings of your own memory and, ofcourse conscience!

Yes...I cried!

Dedicated to: Prof. E.A. Ramaswamy & Prof. E.M. Rao

B+

2010-09-20T21:01:00.002+05:30

Incidentally, that is my blood group!

So things do not always go the way you want them to. Albeit life ensures, that you learn things the hard way and suffer your own fair share of hardships.

And what do you do when back-stabbed?

Should you chide yourself for being naive enough to trust people?

Or should you merely shrug off your shoulder and tell yourself to move on?

An integral part of my life taught me that being able to trust easily is not a bane, as popularly believed. Only when you believe in goodness, does it come back to you. So even when things are not exactly looking up, always remember and sincerely believe..."ki duniyaa me achhaai abhi baaki hai"!!

Surprisingly, I do believe in it now. I no more get infuriated when I see things and people do an about-turn. The dictum has filled me up with a sudden intense positivity and belief, that refuses to budge even in the face of unfathomable opposition and evidence, to the contrary!

The Secret has, it seems, lit a fire in me that is inextinguishable.

Thanks to Rhonda Byrne for writing the book...

and to the man, who brought it to me!!

HOPELESS

2010-09-14T03:11:00.002+05:30

So what is one supposed to do when feeling hopeless?

What should one do when life dawns upon the realization that no matter what you have believed in and hoped for, the truth shall deny it all?

What should one do when opposing forces are pulling you apart and you can feel every pore and inch of your body doused in pain?

What should one do when looking at the horizon brings forth the image of your own impending doom?

What should one do when the past, present and future seem to merge together in a menagerie of rattling desperation and obliviousness?

What should one do when every single existing and pervading thought in mind is that of hopelessness?

What to do when hopelessness becomes your state-of-being?

Can you go on?

Should you go on?

Must you go on?

Bangles

2010-08-17T00:35:00.004+05:30

Bangles..

Red, green, blue...

Why, How few??

But, the kaleidoscopic view;

The unparalleled joy, so new.

The glint of freshly painted hue,

The clunk, just on cue.

Bangles,

Lying askew:

Shattered...

Happy 64th Independence Day!!

2010-08-15T22:06:00.002+05:30

As we celebrate yet another day when we finally, as a sovereign nation, began the journey to become who we are today, let's pause for a moment and recall who we set out to be, back then..and are we headed right?

[untitled]

2010-07-22T18:47:00.002+05:30

And long after you are gone, a vacuum will remain..

reminding me, now and then, of you...

And your absence, shall be more pronounced than your presence ever was..!

[untitled]

2010-06-09T17:47:00.000+05:30

I will miss Bombay (not Mumbai, Bombay!)....a lot!!

A lot!!!!!

R A i N

2010-05-21T13:53:00.002+05:30

It was raining that night…

As I stood soaking,
Waiting for the rain
To take me in its arms,
Caress and sing a lullaby,
Erase the throbbing pain,
At least for the moment..

But it poured harder,
Its shrieks drumming loud against my ears,
And crawled away surreptitiously:
Darting on to the road that I could not tread,
Leaving me in agony,
Clutching pieces of my soul,
Ash faced;

It has not rained since then…

Choices:

2010-05-11T15:26:00.000+05:30

Experiencing utter and sheer loneliness can be a remarkably enlightening experience; and starkly depressing too. Fending for yourself every single day, with no one to fall back on can make you take note of a myriad of aspects of physical world and of your own little self; that you never thought of, before! Delving into utter loneliness is to be completely alone with no strings attaching you to any form of emotional support, whatsoever! And if I may say so, not very many of us get to be in that state, in our short span of lives.

But, if ever, you do get there; it is a most queer sensation of sorts- there’s an alternation between exhilaration and melancholia; of a heightened order. It is an out-of-body experience of sorts where you listen to peels of laughter emanating from people around you (supposed colleagues, acquaintances, etc.), but reflexively contracting away from you without so much as a touch; there’s a sense of unabashed independence in knowing you can do whatever you want to, whenever you want to; there are long phases of staring into the unknown for hours together, long enough to have no recollection of what were you looking at in the first place; there is a new found appreciation for the glittering skyline of your city at night and for the visibly blue water and audibly loud chirping of birds; when you finally begin to look the colors in their actual richness and listen to sounds in their actual timbre; when sun and rain and weather extremities seem non-existent;

Suddenly sweat, blood and tears all seem just body fluids and the flow of none of them hurts; you finally get to know which memories of your own life you hold dearest for they are the ones which come back to you again and again and yet again, when you have nothing else to do; when books and movies you always wanted to catch up on suddenly seem dull and non-interesting and you feel you don’t have the rational strength left in you to read/watch them; when the fears you so vehemently suppress visit you late in nights to haunt you while you have no solace to turn to; where physical needs reach a stage when their satiation or not, does not make a difference anymore; where numbness surrounds your pericardium so that you can’t feel your heart beating anymore; when the distinct taste of your own tears suddenly dawns on you and you wonder how you never noticed it before; when you listen to your own voice as if you heard it for the first time and surprise stumps you enough to look into the mirror only to have yourself staring at a completely strange pair of eyes; you tell yourself what to do and when and how and where to do but do not know what to say or do when you end up doing none of those; when you want to contribute but have forgotten what and how you’d thought of contributing; when you speak but fail to make sense of your own words; when you are bored but are addicted to that surreal taste of loneliness;

And then, if someone asks you if this is how you’d like to live the rest of your life, would you say a YES or a NO??

[untitled]

2010-05-11T13:19:00.000+05:30

Thoughtlessness is a scary state-of-being.

An unsettling numbness seeping through your senses:
An unusual silence calming the air,
A muffled sigh
A strangled yelp;
And a hollow within!

[Faith]

2009-07-10T12:00:00.003+05:30

Novelty does not always have the same wonderful effect that you expect it to have...

But then, just because things around are not tailor-stitched according to you, it does not
mean that they aint the best things happening to you, at the moment! Quite on the contrary,
with me, they are...!

[untitled]

2009-06-25T01:48:00.002+05:30

"raahon me ghoomte the...talaash-e-manzil me,
ki raahon ka hamsafar meri manzil ban gaya..."

P.S. I normally dont write in hindi, but this one sort of, came itself.

:)

2009-06-13T19:37:00.000+05:30

I love the place I'm at, right now!

I really do

:)

[untitled]

2009-06-10T21:28:00.002+05:30

Every day, I shove you back in my heart..
Every night, I love you back from the start..!!

[untitled]

2009-05-31T12:34:00.001+05:30

Ady says, 'its amazing how we happen to find a family outside our family'.

She's right!
I have!!..

Jai Ho..!!

2009-02-23T11:43:00.006+05:30

8 OSCARS..!!

A British film maker saunters into our country; adapts an Indian story (by India's Deputy High Commissioner to South Africa- Vikas Swarup), makes a film about us, in our city, with Indian actors and walks away with 8 Academy Awards, BAFTA, Golden Globe, Producer's and Actor's Guild Awards, and not to forget- glory, that is bound to go down into the pages of history.

It would be like, stating the obvious, that the movie is great and I, like everyone else, loved it. The movie delicately juxtaposes the dark side of India, with its wonders. Young boys stealing shoes and various parts of the cars of tourists, outside The Taj Mahal, a young lad jumping into a pool of shit and hurrying to get Amitabh's autograph (which his brother sells for 3 bucks), the film is full of moments which you can take back home and savour forever!

Though Dev Patel charmingly and quite ably shoulders the movie and is well supported by Freida Pinto, Anil Kapoor and Irrfan Khan, it is actually the young guns in the movie, who turn more heads. The ensemble of Rubina Ali, Azharuddin Mohammad Ismail, Ayush Khedekar(who play the youngest Latika, Salim and Jamal respectively), Tanay Chedda, Ashutosh Gajiwala(who play the teenage Jamal and Salim respectively), touch your hearts with their performances. It was, indeed, endearing to watch them wave at the Oscar red carpet, while the older cast mingled and shook hands with the likes of Brangelina!

The movie should be a lesson for the larger Indian film fraternity to stop churning out the likes of Dostana and Chandni Chowk to China, in the name of new and global cinema.

Meanwhile, the Man of the Hour- Mr. A.R.Rahman, with two individual Oscars deserves not only accolades,applauds and appreciation; but should be finally treated as India's fame ticket to Hollywood, ousting AB's Baby's Baby Panther and the new self proclaimed London girl Ms/Mrs

(oh, whatever) Shetty.

While returning from Delhi yesterday, I had another proud Indian moment! On my way to the railway station, in the Delhi Metro, I overheard two Yankees exclaiming how spank,quick and able the Delhi Metro was. The guy (who was, by the way, hot!!) actually compared it to the Canadian metro and to some other places (couldn't catch the names without going dangerously close) and said, "This is awesome. India finally, seems to be outdoing the rest!"

I, unwillingly stifled, a very strong urge to exclaim what has now become India's new mantra-

"JAI HO!!"

Life=Irony!!!

2009-02-19T13:14:00.003+05:30

Grief has a way of creeping into happiness.

Failures have a way of knocking, quite when, you are celebrating success.

Burns often smell, when you are busy trying a new fragrance.

Darkness likes to engulf you exactly when you are radiating light.

Speeches are often cut short, when you are choking with ideas...and emotions...and words!

Tears can satiate you when laughter cannot.

Lessons are, invariably, learnt after missing them.

Falls, more often than not, occur while climbing up.

Shivers, invariably, run down newly built castles-terrestrial or mental!

Journeys are likely to end right when you begin to enjoy them, hoping they go on forever.

One often loses things/people that one cherished and was bestowed with, after very many prayers.

Death is always, more silently accepted, than life.

That is life- a farrago of ironies!!!

desh ka namak..!!

2009-01-26T18:58:00.003+05:30

I usually treat English language as my preferred language for communication et al. The reason behind this, as many would think (especially due to my LSR background) is not because I look down upon vernacular languages or Hindi, in particular. I admit that I find Punjabi, the most pleasant-sounding and amiable language, while Hindi is the most colourful language with a behemoth vocabulary which stumps me no end.

No! The reason for my preference is that, as luck would have it, I find myself more comfortable expressing myself in English. I'll have to say that the point is, that I happen to think in English and that perhaps makes me more comfortable with the same. I feel that people are a tad bit too judgemental about those who prefer to communicate in English. I think the choice is very personal- something like your choice of how you'd like to paint your house...or which friends of yours would you rather hang out with...or whether you are more comfortable with your father or mother or both? Additionally, speaking in Hindi alone doesn't make one any more patriotic than me...and that is one thing I could swear by and conclusively prove, if need be!!

However, let me return to what this post was supposed to be about. Although English language remains my first choice, there are some things that can be best expressed only in Hindi.
The following lines are one such example-

"dil se niklegi naa marke bhi watan ki ulfat,
meri mitti se bhi khushboo-e-watan aayegi"

Happy 60th Indian Republic Day!!

innocence at STAKE..!!

2008-11-29T15:34:00.005+05:30

This one is in the memory of all those who have lost their lives in
the recent Mumbai massacre. The ATS cops, the NSG commandos,
soldiers from other security agencies, Mumbai police and all the other
people (from India and abroad) who have suffered the misfortune.

"Eternal rest granted unto them O Lord...
Let perpetual light shine on them.

May their souls rest in peace."

~untitled~

2008-11-18T04:00:00.003+05:30

Different leaves are different shades of green.

:)

2008-11-03T00:58:00.000+05:30

I am veryyyyyyyyyyyyy happy today! errr....tonight, to be precise!
Its almost as if christmas came in early:))
May Lord bless yeh all..!!

Cheers:)

Of dreams and more..!!

2008-10-15T06:16:00.004+05:30

I closed my eyes
and a beacon shone..
I opened my eyes
and found it gone!
I closed my eyes,
to a lovely morn..
I opened my eyes
and found it gone!
I closed my eyes
and heard a tone..
I opened my eyes,
but.. I was..all alone !!

P.S. To those who read the post right away, 'Good Morn' and have a nice day ahead:)
To the rest, Wake up early bozos!! :p

STRANGER

2008-09-24T00:52:00.002+05:30

How many times have you seen a stranger in the streets and found him/her familiar? And how many times have your friends and acquaintances seemed unfamiliar? How many times have you been convinced by a stranger by the mere implore of his/her eyes? And how many times have you convinced one? How many times have you come across a stranger’s name; paused- and then moved on, only to come back?

How many times have you hated a stranger on an impulse? And loved one? How many times has a stranger reminded you of someone you’ve loved? And someone you still love??

How many times have you felt the gaze of a stranger piercing through you? And how many times have you steeled away your own gaze from a stranger? How many times have you seen a stranger clearly, in the background, in a picture you took? How many times has a stranger helped you? And how many times have you helped one?

How many times have you brushed past a stranger and then been compelled to turn around and look back? How many times has a stranger brought a smile on your face? And how many times have you done so to a stranger? How many times have you written to a stranger? Or written about one?

How many times have you looked at a stranger and found a little of your own self reflected? And how many times have you looked at yourself in the mirror, only to find a stranger staring back???

ye jo des hai meraa~~

2008-08-15T12:13:00.002+05:30

Its amazing how even amidst, bombs reaking terror in the nation, corrupt and immoral pseudo-leaders converting Parliament into a market, the ever-ballooning inflation serving as a double whammy for the plebeian, reservations retarding the growth of the country, in the list of every possible world tally of nations inflicted with poor health and sanitation situations, malnutrition and female foeticide, ours being in the top-five; I still cherish being an Indian and would want to be one, several more times! This is not an emotional, sentimental feeling arising as a result of today being an important day for the nation! For a long time, 21 years and 4.5 months to be precise, I have believed and known that I'm a born patriot. I agree that not many would see it as an admirable trait, indeed- some see it as a gimmick and inane attempt on my part to win appreciation and appear altruistic. I cannot and do not wish to offer justifications. But the fact remains that I romanticise my relation with my nation.

Kiran Bedi, when filling up her form for the civil services examination, wrote in the form: Religion: Humanity.
I have immense respect and admiration for the women, having met her on one occasion. And this idea of hers not only appealed to me immensely but also intrigued me. How would I fill up my form??
Nationality: Indian
Religion: Indian
Category: Indian

I sincerely hope and wish India keeps up its pace of development and progress and that the government succeeds in bringing back some halycon to the country. And above all, I sincerely hope and pray that I can be and remain a part of India's journey to happiness and glory...that I can render all the service that I was and am, meant to- to this nation, to my motherland!..

Happy 61st Indian Independence Day!!..

Cheers:))

2008-08-11T18:45:00.002+05:30

A good news is in order!!

Abhinav Bindra has done us proud!!An Olympic gold...and so soon into the Games, will definitely do wonders to the zeal of others and motivate them!!

Lets hope for the best for the remaining competitions!! Keep your fingers and toes and whatever else is possible, crossed ;)) !!

[untitled]

2008-08-11T00:21:00.003+05:30

If I Could. . .

Then I Would ! !

But does that mean I Should ??!!. . .

Jus' a thought!!

2008-08-08T00:17:00.002+05:30

Its nice to be important. . .
but, its more important to be nice!!!. .

RED

2008-07-17T20:56:00.001+05:30

Blood...slowly seeping and oozing out !
That typical pungent odour...that sight: a gory red !!

Its remarkable how, when it is flowing within us, we hardly realise how pungent it smells...nor what strikingly terrible a shade of red, it actually is! Once out and when it starts drying up...rotting...the live cells in it dying...smelling fouler by the second and turning a ghastly black...
Its then...then that you know...that a part of You, just died!! A part that flowed within you...a part that was bright, vivid, visibly alive...and RED !!!. . .

An Excerpt

2008-07-13T18:06:00.002+05:30

An empty bench in the park.
A shadow in the dark.

A crouching child.
Pain, mild.

A failed attempt to score a goal.
An understated hyperbole.

Sleepless nights.
Fear of lights.

Moonlit sky.
Painful sigh.

An inside story.
Unconscious, gory.

Repressed desires.
Discarded attires.

Unfulfilled wishes.
Worldly cliche`s.

A city you love.
Blue sky above.

A dream come true.
Death by you.

F !!!

2008-07-04T17:27:00.006+05:30

Have you ever smelt and felt burning flesh?? Burning human flesh...!

(Note: Not charred yet...still burning!!)

Failure, guys, also feels JUST the same way...! Only that, its excruciating effect stimulates a lot

more than just olfactory and tactile senses..!!

Here's wishing you all, a life that is free from both these experiences!!

Best!!

Did you know that Indian children are the most under-slept (is that even a word??!!) children in the world??

2008-06-18T22:10:00.001+05:30

Yeah....that's right!! The title of the blog I mean. A recent study published in The Times of India claims it!! Tch-Tch...Poor us:((

But first, I have two important points to mention, today!

Firstly, with increasing and undiluted conviction, I have come to believe, in the past five-six years, that every person is essentially alone...all alone in his/her pursuit of love or happiness or wealth or knowledge or salvation or in my case, justice!!

Secondly, I do not think that love is something that one must, essentially, avoid. But I do think, that love is something that one must, essentially, be able to or rather be prepared to live without. I am . . !!

That task done, I should now mention that I have my entrance exam for postgraduate school comin’ up. As always, I am clueless about the course included and haven’t even touched books for the test which is on 2nd July!.. This is just to request all the regular visitors on this space to either rebuke me, drill some sense into me or suggest any alternative strategy which could make me ‘try’ to read books!

I also happen to have a question for those of you, who might care to answer. Why do, at all, books exist in a world which has Christiano Ronaldo, vodka and chocolate?

Life is too difficult to live...but what else can you do with it anyway??

2008-05-28T17:33:00.003+05:30

I am a graduate now. Not officially f’course. The results are due and chances are slim that I’ll do well, seeing that I remember very vividly as to how I managed to stay alive (read*awake) durin’ the papers, appear for the exam, screw it BiG time, and stay alive for the next one again, appear for the next one, screw it again and without any fear/shame/guilt (or any other similar emotion), let the cycle continue! Needless to say, exams sucked royally, like they always do with the most of us (and its actually the exceptional people who make our situation suck even more!!). However, I aint complainin ‘coz I still do have hopes that I’ll manage to pass, even if with the most meagre marks and mediocre performance...because I am a strange optimist of sorts, and have always believed (Especially during exams)that things, life and f’course the Question-Paper could have been worse!!

The whole point mentioning all this was that...well, I, Most probably, will be a graduate soon. And there are a lot of things about my college life that I have a photographic memory of. I remember how I thought of writing a post about my college life and then, almost immediately dumped the idea ‘coz lets face it- I CAN’T!!I can never sum up my life, during these three years in a post, in an essay, maybe even in a book...’coz I don’t wish to leave out on anything! Anyway, comin’ back..this post takes me back to one of our li’l excursions! T’was final year, I think February...and Me, Deep and Riz had gone to Mocha, DefCol ‘coz like always, we were dying to have their Chocolate Avalanche. I remember us sittin’ n fightin’ for the choc, clickin’ pictures and readin’ books. It was then that Riz read a quote from somewhere, which has come to be one of my most favourite ones and has also happened to become the way I look at life largely now! Let me replicate the scene for you:

Riz: Hey guys, check this out. This one’s really kool.
Deep: Someone please shut her up yaa...We haven’t come here to read books.
Riz: Duuuuude!! Jus this one....last!
Me: Go on then...and it better be the last one!
And here it comes-
Riz: Life is too difficult to live. But what else can you do with it anyway??!!...

I suppose none of us then ...and I suppose a lot of you even now, wouldn’t understand the deep contention that the quote offers!

But I recently happened to read Khaled Hosseini’s “The Kiterunner” and “A Thousand Splendid Suns” . I was mortally depressed for 2-3 days....I was deeply moved to tears...and yes, I did, even cry. And yes, I sulked for a long time, thinkin why is world, the way it is? Why do people fight? Why do we have wars? Why do you need to rape someone-anyone, man or woman? Why do you have to segregate people on the basis of caste and class? And if you do, why do you have to align them hierarchically? Why do you have to torture people? Is that the only way to prove you’re more powerful? Why doesn’t life give another chance to make things right?
And it was then that I was transported back to Mocha and Riz’s voice came boomin’ back to me. It was this quote that made me understand why did a certain Mr. Hosseini write these stories in the first place. If you have read the book or if you do read it...you see that the central theme of optimism (f’course not like mine, which surfaces only durin’ and about exams) runs through the stories. You see how people, who’ve been separated from the only beings they have ever loved, people who’ve been tortured and raped and beaten up and disgraced, people who’ve either been betrayed by their loved ones or who have themselves betrayed their loved ones, people who’ve lost most of their families, people who’s nations are torn by war; are still livin’ with the hope that future will be better and will wash away the sins or the pains of their own and others’ pasts. People who continue to live their distorted lives...for what else can you do with it anyway, right??

This also brings me to mention a certain Mr. Bhagat who thinks writin’ good and most importantly youth-appealing books only means writin’ books centerin’ aroun’ three friends, the underdog amongst which, gets to have sex with the female protagonist-at the most scandalous places possible like, your prof’s house, a Sumo car or your Best friend’s terrace; a central issue which appears more like a badly directed Hindi movie. I have a suggestion here, for Mr. Bhagat. Read my carefully crafted 6-point plan underneath:

1. To begin with, a book’s “acknowledgement” section is to acknowledge all those who have helped you write that book and, if one wants, those who have been your support system in life. It is, most definitely, not the place to show off that you have recently become friends with Mr. Salman Khan and your other tinsel-town aficionados.

2. If the youth was desperate to learn how best to get to have sex in the, as I said above, most scandalous places, we would read Kamasutra, Mills n Boons or Harlequins and the myriad other books-on-sex, widely available in the market.

3. Again, you cant be called the “Most widely read English writing author in India” by New York Times and only write how the most unappealing guy gets to have sex with the hot-chick.

4. You could probably read some other good books yourself and take a leaf or two out of the books of say, Paulo Coelho, Ayn Rand, Khaled Hosseini, Mitch Albom...any of such people who write meaningful stuff. I aint talkin’ only about non fiction, but as you might have noticed yourself on one of your honest days, even J.K.Rowling writes a simple magic-tale about a teenage boy, a thousand times better than you.

5. Since you always claim to be takin writin’ ideas from public, here’s one from me- Write your next one on how you wrote three awful books as a writer which were actually the “Three mistakes of your life” and then you went on to realize more meaningful things in life and not just iit-iim-call centre-sex....and how you found substance in your own writings.

6. If all of the above seem too difficult, here’s the master b-plan. Instead of givin’ the rights of your books for film-makin (it somehow seems to me that you, now, deliberately spice up the books so that they can be easily adapted into Bollywood movies), you can become an actual Hindi- movie script writer. And in a Hindi-movie, fightin’ with four people with swords and ‘trishul’, small time businessmen goin to Australia and meetin cricketers in stadiums, drinkin’ vodka and appearin for viva, jumpin’ prof’s house to wish your girlfriend and kiss her or even lay her, fuckin’ someone in a Sumo, receiving telephone calls from God would actually seem more real and acceptable! And then you can more accurately acknowledge Salman Khan and others from film fraternity.

My parting thought meanwhile, is a quote that I recently read as someone’s gtalk status:

I started with nothing...and I still have most of it!! Seems apt for Bhagat!!

WHY??!!...

2008-05-09T21:42:00.004+05:30

My heart says , I hurt it .. . .
Why. . . I fail to know??

I still make the same mistake
I still believe in give and not take ;
I still chase the dreams I see ,
I still haven’t found that one key
‘m still preparin’ to go....
Why ..... I fail to know??!!

I maybe fightin’ a lost battle,
But I prefer to move on . . .
The storm may make my boat rattle ,
But I prefer to steer on . . .
‘m still preparin’ to row.....
Why ..... I fail to know??!!

" Hop in" , they say , " into the ride of life,
It surely takes you places ",
Why, then, is there so much of strife :
Between our own reflection and faces??
At whom, exactly, are we havin’ a go??
And why.....I fail to know??!!

Life comes a full circle
And you come back where you begun :
And wait if you think, its a deadly girdle : : :
You might meet that lost one .
Life does this as a fren’ or foe ?
Well....at least I, have failed to know ! !

I met everyone I could’ve....
I asked everyone I should’ve...
They say—“ life’s like that, you cant help :
You can stand and fight or sit and yelp!”
“ You choose and fast . . . . its a race”, they say,
“ You cant afford to be slow “
Why..... I fail to know??!!

Empty streets are easier to traverse
'Coz no one can desert you midway,
And when you find a night adverse
Be strong and find your own day !
No one is worth sheddin’ your tears . . .
No one is worth wastin’ your years . . .
But then , why do some of us get a blow ?
Why ..... I fail to know??!!

However. . . seek answers and dont ask why’s .
Say quick hello’s and quicker goodbye’s ,
I know I must follow what I preach ---
Ask no why’s , yet your grant I beseech :
Allow me one last time , if you please ;
My heart says , I hurt it ....
And I CANT fathom why it says so - - -
Why . . . . I fail to know ! ! ! . . .

P.S. Exams are over...! Grads over...!! Sayin that " I'm happy " would be stretching the truth far beyond reality...so lets just say, I'm relieved!!Extremely relieved....

To err is human....But which species keeps on erring??!!

2008-04-21T04:04:00.006+05:30

The title of the blog, ladies an gentlemen, is of utmost importance (to Me, obviously), 'coz that precisely, is the species I belong to....yeah, the one that keeps on erring.

I am almost ceaselessly amazed...nope, thats an understatement!...I'm baffled (yeah, that fits better, as of now)..BAFFLED at the consistency and regularity and if I might add, frequency at which I commit mistakes...and worse....at which, I repeat them. What exactly makes me say so, might be your question, the answer to which follows hereafter. Not studyin ever, everrrrrrr...... before right at the eleventh hour before exams (even if it means practicaly screwing up my papers...which, I'm not proud to add, I have done almost all my life); indulging in selective study which tends to screw up my paper, if possible, even more; sitting onlin on exam eves and whiling away time; sending mindless messages to everyone in my contact list, jus to check who's awake so I can call and talk....sleepin....goshhhhhhhhh......i could soooooooo give a certain Mr. Kumbhkaran a run for his money....and if there ever is an olympic competition and medal for Sleepin....move it people.....I'm bang on board...ready to win...!!

the list is endless...!!

So, the question is.....what new species has come to the face of earth, in the form of Me??

Those with any...any answers are welcome to put them down. And those without one...can anyway comment :P

Should be running to attend to Dissociative Identity Disorder now, which by the way, is much more fun to read in Sydney Sheldon novels than in Abnormal Psychology by Carson & Butcher, 11th edition.

As my previous year roomie Rads, very aptly, puts it:: " This too shall pass....The question is....WILL WE??"

I, folks, certainly WONT...!!!

But who cares guyz???Catchin' up with IPL,are you, eh???!!>..

I'M NOT HAPPY...!!

2008-04-09T23:40:00.004+05:30

Yeaahh.... infact I'm quite a few light years far away from happiness..!!
Thats about all that I want to say right now!
Hope the average happiness on the planet, has increased somewhere...!!

RACE

2008-03-27T02:29:00.001+05:30

First things first. This blog is not regarding the recently released Saif-Bipasha starrer RACE (though, I would like to mention that Saif is looking too hot to resist...and so is Bips-but I leave that to guys!!).

I have not slept properly in last four days....and I could not care less.

My project submission is due in the next 48 hours and I am, almost racing against time to get it done. Hopefully, I shall graduate with the rest of my class. Fingers crossed!!...

Meanwhile, I just turned 21 and I'm damn excited about it (no prizes for guessing all the interesting opportunities that are open for me now....and a slap to the dunces who are smirking right now, and being unkind enough to remind me that its all been-there-done-that for me! There's something called doing things Legally and Illegally, guys...!!:P). So well...cheers to me and my 21st....and finally coming off age...;)

Shame I have to run to attend to my project now. But I would just like to take this opportunity that my project is entirely MY BABY...!! Irrespective of all the crap that I had to write in the acknowledgements of the project thanking that old h** (read * research guide), i hereby proclaim....that all the hard work put into the project-from its conception, till its completion- was solely and totally my effort and inspiration.

However, I'd like to thank some people, whom I could NOT thank in the god-damned project due to the formal APA (for the uninititated, AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION) guidelines that had to be strictly adhered to.

I'd like to thank Meenakshi Ma'am ( Professor of Psychology at Faculty of Arts,BHU). Thank you so much Auntie, for all your help in making me so much more open to various research questions and options and guiding me, in such a wonderful manner. I shall always remain so grateful to you for not only assisting me so willingly, but also for bonding with me in such a great manner. Thanks to you, I wont be able to retaliate to my Dad, the next time he compares my uni (DU) with BHU (yet...I aint complaining!!)

I'd also like to thank Prof. R. Kumar ( Psychology Dept., Faculty of arts, BHU) for being so magically available to me at odd hours of the day (read* night) and mailing me the essentials of the studies that I'd ask for.

I'd like to thank the library assistants at- NCERT library, New Delhi; DU library, north campus; BHU library, Varanasi.

I'd also like to thank the aides at the various photocopy and printing shops (particularly the ones at Nehru Place, New Delhi- they are damn cheap and easily affordable). However, I'd also like to suggest to all others from my gender that in case you are ever planning to go to Nehru Place for getting any work done-from buying computers to anything else.....please make sure you are well covered from head-to-toe. Wear as much sun-block cream and as fully-covered clothes as possible- the rays of the sun and the gaze of the men are quite penetrating and ofcourse, harmful!!!...

I'd like to thank my batchmates-particularly the other project students- for a) sharing the same agonising fate with me and hence making me feel pleasant, even at the risk of appearing sadistic; and b) for all the help that they, very courteously extended. Special thanks to Appu (Aparna), Padma and Manasi ; for helping me figure out how to use SPSS- thanks to it, I did not do one single calculation for my project and hence, I am as happily away from mathematical operations as happily close to it, I once used to be!!..

I'd like to extend special thanks to three very close friends of mine for helping me with some technical help whenever I used to whine and call them at obnoxious hours of the day(read * night), and sound like a retard.

Firstly, I'd like to thank Adi ( a lot of you will remember him as the bright chap with us at school and coaching....the comp-whiz-kid, who could answer ridiculous questions like...What is the figure in Question No. ***, given on Page No. ***, in H.C. Verma?? ). Thank you so much Adi for making my graphs on the eve of your own exams....helping me on the oh-so-many occasions when I'd call you for various minute things that were probably too obvious...getting worried after reading my depressive blogs and calling me now-and-then to check if I was fine. Thanks a bunch for everything....I know I can never repay you for all this.....much better do I know that you do not expect me to repay or even thank you....Thanks a tonne for being what you are...especially to me...

Secondly, I'd like to thank Pranay ( he was our bachmate at school and undoubtedly a lot of you are still in touch with him) for helping me with my graphs and many other things regarding my project especially, for patiently bearing with my whining and complaining and bitching and many more crazy activities. Thanks a tonne for telling me to sleep, every once in four days...and thanks for being my phone-a-friend lifeline at devilish hours of day ( I wont say read * night....it goes without saying now, I guess...!!)

Lastly...I'd like to thank my friend and the bundle of joy...Geet (best known for his singing, sporting talent and hots for R******)...thanks for almost everything....helping me with my MsExcel sheets, in between his own lectures, confirming weird calculations during his own labs (in whispers, of course), responding to my mail while travelling, singing to me when I was too exhausted and for myriad other crazy activities.

I'd also like to thank my good friend and hostel neighbour Deepa for helping me with typing, providing intellectual stimulation and being a pillar of strength. I'd like to shortly mention Abhi for being helpful, patient and available at all hours.

Love you guys for being absolute gems of people!!

I'd also like to thank my Dad for financial reasons as well as providing me with all his contacts, that helped me so much. Dad, you very nearly compensated for all the complaints that I had, when you did not let me pursue my first choice of research. Love you...

I wish I had time to mention my first choice of research....but I really have to rush now.... I shall be back soon, comfortably and more frequently blogging, in two days time....

Till then.... 48hours to go....

Man....I have not slept in 4 days...and I'm dying to.....

I’VE LOST IT..!! :(

2008-03-03T22:58:00.000+05:30

Just so you know, I’m talking about my pendrive!!
I lost my pendrive today and I’m darn pissed about it. I neither know nor understand how some mysterious agent picked it up from my bed (that’s where I last saw it), much less do I know or understand why...WHY would someone take someone else’s pendrive???!!!!!!!...I’m saying this because I very well remember not having taken it out of my room since last night. Also it aint no more in my room... In my desperation, I have totally ransacked my room-a feat, I had totally been absconding from doing, since ages!! Every nook and corner of my matchstick-sized AND shaped room has been thoroughly raided...!!But, to no avail...!! Sniff...Sniff...!!

This means that my project work is ONCE AGAIN on a standstill unless I buy a new pendrive, WHICH means a meaningless (I say meaningless because...well...its due to my carelessness probably!) investment of 500 rupees....WHICH means that I shall be 500 bucks short on cash, by the end of this month (since I’ll have to chip it in on my own, cutting down on some other expense....damn, I wanted to shop grandly for my B’day..!)...WHICH basically means I’m a fool....oh, WHICH also means that you are a bigger one, seeing that you’re still reading this!

This brings the total of the things I’ve lost this year so far, to TWO. As some of my friends would know, I also lost my cell around the mid of February. Sigh:(...What’s wrong with me people?? Actually no... what’s wrong with YOU people?? I’d lost my cell also the same way. Someone PICKED it up from where I’d mistakenly left it behind. Manners...?? Honesty..??

Damn man... I’m too cut up, to even write. I’ll chip in later.
‘Night.

IMPORTANT

2008-02-29T01:20:00.000+05:30

ONE person who shall always remain the closest to my heart: My sister-Manisha.

ONE person whom I have never understood n probably never will: My mother.

ONE person whom I shall always miss and look up to (for almost inexplicable reasons): My father.

ONE person who is the main inspiration of my life: Late Bhagat Singh.

ONE person I want to look after: My brother-Priyank.

ONE person I can never lie to: My school Physics teacher-Mr. Sidhharth Shankar Tiwari.

ONE person who has always followed me blindly: My neighbour and childhood friend-Kitty.

ONE person who taught me how to “live” friendship (which I try to do now): Aditi Attri.

ONE person who made me fall in love truly, for the one and only time in my life (Yes! I still am in love with him and always will be): Ishaan Mittal.

ONE person, I think, God has really wronged: My cousin-Mayank (Sanu bhaiyya).

ONE person who always makes me smile, no matter what : Geet Srivastava.

ONE person I would love to meet: Paulo Coelho.

ONE thing I wish never happens: Getting married (I sincerely pray, I never have to).

ONE dream I have always cherished: Being a top-notch politician.

ONE song that is close to my heart: White Flag by Dido.

ONE book, I think, everyone should read: ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom.
(it just might change your outlook towards life too).

ONE city I love: Delhi.

ONE incident that changed my life: Falling in love.

ONE accident I am thankful to God for: Enrolling at Lady Shri Ram College, Delhi University.

ONE wish I would ask a genie for: I don’t believe in a genie coming along and granting wishes....Hahaha...!!

ONE thing I wish to do before dying: Rewrite some parts of the Indian Constitution (Technically speaking, edit or get amendments).

ONE appeal I would like to make: Do not curse, criticise and abandon your nation. It is YOUR
nation.

ONE important thing, I think all of us know but tend to forget in our zest and hurry to live: We
are all going to die eventually.

ONE thing I often tend to forget: Today’s date (I, most obviously, do not mean a particular day...
I can be often caught asking others... “What’s the date today man??” ).

ONE lesson that I have learnt in life: Nothing lasts forever. Times change....and so does
everything and everyone else.

ONE point that studying psychology has taught me: Everyone is an individual and lives in their
own individual way and you need to respect, accept, and appreciate their individuality.

ONE thing I would love to do: Go on a ‘sponsored’ world tour( I cant afford it :((.. ).

ONE thing I would never do: Settle abroad, during one of the ‘sponsored’ world tours, incase I
like a place too much (since I can never like any place more than I love India).

ONE thing that I have never done: Writing so many ‘ONE’s at a go. Hahahaha....

More later...
Till then... :)

P.S. A sincere apology to all those whose names have been mentioned in the blog, in case they have a problem with being named publicly. I'm sorry, but I cant put it off the blog now. But you may leave a comment behind so that I know not to repeat the mistake in the future.
Thanks.

the FIRST

2008-02-24T00:06:00.000+05:30

Elders have often told this quote,
To me and to you....
Life’s a lesson, that we often learn,
When, its through...

One such lesson was taught to me,
Call the teacher God, Luck or Destiny:
And yes it took me pretty long;
'Coz by then, life had sung some essential song.

But lets not get into that rite now,
Lest my friends give me a reprimanding look.
But this is where and this is how,
The million dollar lesson begun to cook.

I always believed I could get,
Watever I wanted in life.
There would be no filtering net,
To cut my happiness, no knife!

Yet, one day, I finally got a blow...
When I lost something, for which, I was crazy.
But soon enough, I came to know,
I never lost....my concept was hazy!!

For I never really had it,
Then how could I lose??
Remember, God’s the donor, and we beggars....
Then how could I choose??

So, here I am with the lesson...
“BEGGARS ARE NOT CHOSERS”
Hey wait, have you heard that before?? Have this one then..
“ALL WHO’VE LOST ARE NOT LOSERS”
B'cause even when you’ve lost,
There’s some hope left,
And at each and every cost,
God’s looking after your nest!
And each nest has,
its own share of sorrows and joys,
and each one of us have
lots of girls and millions of boys...!!;)

Life’s weird, I agree
And so will you-
You lose and then you move on...
And it seems the best thing to do.
It might be a li’l tough, as I’ve found for myself...
Life might seem a li’l rough, you might know for yourself...
But dont you worry and dont get blue---
In the end, we all manage and so will you!!

On a lighter note....
I'm sure you remember the quote:
'Cause... "Elders have often told me and you,
Life’s a lesson, that we learn, when its through.....”

This is one of the first poems I ever wrote as an influence of a personal incident. Naturally its quite close to my heart and I'm a little touchy-feely about it.

P.S. This was just to let everyone know that if you do not like it...REFRAIN from commenting.
Thanks.

IT COULDN'T GET WORSE..!!

2008-02-22T01:53:00.000+05:30

Here's a thing...
I met my 4 yr old niece last weekend....she was readin' aloud from a book(those huge books wid abt 5-6 colorful pages in 'em whereby graphic details of the events happenin' are there). twas d story of a rat who goes on an expedition n meets a lot of accidents but every time he saves his skin jus' in d nick of time n xclaims..."well...it could've been worse!!"
Mr. Rat....it couldnt...!!not in my case,atleast!!
trust me folks...life couldnt get worse!n naah...m not being overly-critical...pessimistic...negative....or any of those things that i'm usually associated wid being...!!
m jus being practical...n honest in acceptin that i-myslf-hav screwed up my life,no end!i dont blame anyone else 4 it...there are no higher powers sittin' up there who caused this...there are no mortal beings down here who brought this unto me...its a solely-totally i-me-myself phenomenon!
i was jus walkin down my hostel corridor(its called-UPPER ASH) after a not-very-pleasant-experience of sorts when i realised that for some strange reason, i've become very numb. and when i say numb....i mean really numb...REALLY NUMB!! so numb...that u could slice thru me n chances are slim that i'd complain or even feel....! when people hurt me,i dont react or get back or even feel or say a thing....when i dont score well in exams or assignmnts or fail 2 submit a file in time(which i've now done three times ina row, with amazin' consistency) i dont get worked up or scared or even REMOTELY bothered...my research guide,for the past 2 days has been threatenin' me that "by the looks of it...i wont be able 2 finish my project this year,WHICH MEANS-that i submit it next year,WHICH MEANS-that i dont get my Grad.degree this year-WHICH BASICALLY MEANS THAT I'M RUDDY FUCKKKKKKDDDDD!!!...to which i replied "MA'AM, i'll try my best!"...n once back at hostel...i OBVIOUSLY did NOT try-my-best...bloody hell...i dint even try-my-worst...i jus DID NOT TRY!!...bcoz i dont feel...when i'm even most visibly scared or frightened of things,i wont even run 2 save my life....nothin'....nearly nothin' affects me in any way...any more!!
one of my very close friends recently met me after a gap of about 2 months and said "there's somethin' wrong with your eyes"..(For others' info...some...only-some people say,but i always knew that i've got an amazingly(and disastrously) xpressive pair of eyes...they give me away...always!)...so my friend's comment resumes..."your eyes are totally blank...empty...i've got no clue what's goin on...what have u been doin' 2 yourself"....i grinned sheepishly n said..."well...'m glad!i was sick of my eyes givin' me away every time....now atleast i can hide myself "...she replied..."girl...i dont think u need 2 do that anymore...u see...in an attempt to hide yourself from everyone...u have already lost yourself !!"....
as i said earlier....all my miseries(jus lik every happiness that i've every had) has been an end result of my handiwork. there's no higher-power up there or mortal being down here controllin me or drivin' me...!its jus me...Me...ME...!!

So...you see dear-oh-dear Rat...it really couldn't get WORSE...!!